I have waited a couple of weeks to post this, I am so sorry for your loss, my friend.
A friend of mine lost someone very dear. A friend of mine took their own life. A friend of mine is now trying to cope with this. After spending the last year and a half managing an unfair custody system in Alabama. After dealing with an ex who hacked into computers repeatedly. After dealing with an ex that posted disgusting, hurtful and harassing things online. After losing their kids, after finding their love, after so many things.
I watched them when they first got together, I watched them love each other. I watch them move across the country to get a new start. I watched them try so hard. And I didn't see the despair. I saw happiness, as much as he could be happy. I saw smiles as much as he could smile. But I didn't see the broken bits he hid behind the smiles. I didn't see the hopelessness behind his attempts at happiness. I couldn't see into his mind, no one knows what others go through. No matter how much you love someone, or are loved by someone... we never know what is inside them.
None of us know those right next to us. There are things we do not share. Be it from shame, or fear of judgement, or anger at ourselves, or hatred for others. We all keep things inside. We don't mean to, we never know ourselves either. It is not the fault of anyone when someone has had too much. Too much pain, too much disappointment, too much frustration at a world that looks as if it will never give you something that you need deep inside.
I cannot ever know what caused them to take themselves away from us... but I can look back and see how it could have been thrust upon him. How he could have lost all hope even among some of the happiest moments of his life, with someone he loved. I can see how such a contentious custody battle, and subsequent harassment could push him to despair when he had proof of the type of person he was dealing with. I saw the vindictiveness, I saw the vile things that were said about his new wife. I saw the vile things his ex said when they were together. Taking his masculinity, his children and his pride.
Coupled with events from his past, and the stresses of the present, the failures of the Alabama system of divorce and custody... I can see how he could have inched ever closer to despair. And I know, from personal experience, that no one can save you from that. My wife and children love me, they let me know it all the time. I am grateful for that, everyday. But I understand how deeply lost anyone can become in depression. And there is no one who knows it but the person experiencing it. They can tell us, but they can never truly express it, because it is inside, it is part of us.
My friend is hurting more than I can ever know. Her husband was hurting more than she could have ever known. He decided that he could not take anymore. I hope that she remembers that there are many of us willing to help carry her forward in anyway we can. We love you. We are here for you. And we want you to be here with us.
All of us have experienced depression personally or through people we know and love. We are ill equipped to deal with the utterly devastating nature of such a force. None of us can control the actions of another person. We can do our best and more... and it not be enough. Because we are not a treatment, we are not a cure, we are just people. We are only here for a short time and we experience it one moment at a time, chained together by our memories. Choose the best memories, when you can, and move forward into the next moment.
I'm sorry for how the world was, Kevin. I wish it were a more just place.
National Suicide Prevention Hotline
Grief Beyond Belief